I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
