he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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