hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
