The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
