I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
