Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
