theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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