her facebook's as public as her vagina
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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