Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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