Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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