we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
