I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
