I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
