I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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