dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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