There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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