fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
