I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
