my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize