Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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