I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
