Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
