And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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