I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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