I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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