I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
