i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's rum buckets o'clock
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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