i need an iv and a liver transplant
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
