i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
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Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
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I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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