1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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