he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
