i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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