Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
