The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
