I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
