i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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