I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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