I smell stomach acid.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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