stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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