I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
