Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
