Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
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My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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