He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
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Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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