I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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