all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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