I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
