Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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