i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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