i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
birth control should be required to get into college
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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