I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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