You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
