just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
