Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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